I'm a Scrabble Strumpet.

Alternate Title: Whore for Words

I dig chicks with BIG…y’know…vocabularies. I cannot resist a woman with a HUGE set of...words. Loquacious ladies with lengthy lexicons, endless expressions, and tons of terminology TURN ME ON. Call the think-tank over at Victoria’s Secret—I’ve found the answer!

Maybe it’s because I’m a writer, maybe it’s because I’m a lesbian, or maybe it’s because I spent a year and a half in dating retirement, only to replace my love of sex with a profound appreciation for the game of Scrabble (well, actually, only the first twelve months were self-imposed—the last six were a horrible, agonizing, stressful time wherein I tried desperately to get laid, but was ostensibly unsuccessful due to the shallow dating pool of online lesbian singles —I was terrified to hit the bar scene after a year alone, fearful that the sharks would eat me alive…and not in a good way…also I was no longer drinking. Wanna know what the hardest part about being sober is? Sleeping with people you don’t like…yeah…it’s NEARLY impossible…too much info?); all this to say: I find language to be one of the greatest gifts bestowed upon womankind. I love the way words sound when slammed together in a tight-knit sentence. I love orating in any interesting intellectual arena. And most of all, I enjoy learning new words, or even just refreshing my familiarity with old favorites…like strumpet.

I love it when a word is well-utilized, when there’s an economy of language. Being concise shows off competency and confidence better than any pair of pumps could possibly. Women with a facility for language are sexy not only because of their apparent mental masterfulness, but also because of the adroit oral agility advertised when one speaks. Big words bouncing from big mouths bring big smiles to this girl’s face. And though I’m hardly a scrupulous speller, a rousing round of Scrabble will always get me going.

In my ultimate sexy dream fantasy, I’m dressed like Jennifer Beals from Flashdance, I strut out onto the stage (which looks like a giant Scrabble board) and the music begins:

“She’s a brainiac, BRANIAC on the board! And she’s spelling like she’s never spelled before!”

I would dance around like a maniac, flinging my hair every-which-way, then I would get to my chair, pull the giant cord, and hundreds of scrabble tiles would come pouring out all over my sweat-drenched body—naturally, my eyes would be protected by my sturdy reading glasses, not to worry.

I was once on a date with a woman who told me that, dressed in a loosened necktie and wrinkled-up button-down, I looked like a “Prep-school miscreant.” I almost passed out.

A different girl used the words “comport” and “merciless” quite elegantly within the first few days of our acquaintance. Um, swoon?

And, yet a different girl said the following sentence: “The energy in the room is like, really phonetic. ” AH! It’s ok, maybe she just fogot to make the ‘r’ sound? (Typo intended people…it’s a joke.) But later, she made the following faux pas: “I mean, she just like, basically told me I looked fat in those clothes. I got real indigent after that.” STOP EVERYTHING—REWIND!!!!! INDIGENT???? I believe the word she was looking for was “indignant,” meaning “offended.” However, she clearly used the word “indigent,” meaning “poverty-stricken.” The third, and final strike was a semi-racist remark she made about an Asian person whilst we walked to my apartment—in Chinatown. I was hoping she would somehow improperly use the word “indigenous” so that I could indict her for being an insensitive, ignorant, idiot in desperate need of a dictionary. Instead I just said “Goodnight,” and went home alone.

Needless to say, I think smart is sexy. Killer dance moves on a giant Scrabble board wouldn’t hurt either.