Homotivation

One of my straight friends once asked me, "How can I get inspired to write?"
I replied quite simply: "Fall in love."
"What," she asked, "if I can't find the right boy to fall in love with?"
"Well," I said, "that should give you quite a bit to write about."

I write for the same reason I do stand-up, the same reason I act, for the same reason I like creating any artistic work: I'm a whore for attention. KIDDING. Kind of. No, honestly what motivates me to do these things is a desire to connect with people, lots of people. Certainly my insight, my sense of humor, and my FREE TIME have all benefited a great deal from my failed relationships. Also, having my entire life flipped on its ear when I realized I was gay at age 20 gave me a healthy amount of angst to work out on paper. But the motivation to write does not solely come from a stressful love-life and its over-abundant social/political/religious consequences. What moves me to write is a curiosity about the world, my tendency to over-think and over-explain every experience I have, and the insatiable desire to cheer people up—whether through commiserating about tough times, making light of heavy situations, or simply highlighting the hilarity of every day life.



Charles Bukowski wrote: "now, if you were teaching creative writing, he asked, what would you tell them?"

I'd tell them to have an unhappy love
affair, hemorrhoids, bad teeth
and to drink cheap wine,
avoid opera and golf and chess,
to keep switching the head of their
bed from wall to wall
and then I'd tell them to have
another unhappy love affair
and never to use a silk typewriter
ribbon
avoid family picnics
or being photographed in a rose
garden; read Hemingway only once
skip Faulkner
ignore Gogol
stare at photos of Gertrude Stein
and read Sherwood Anderson in bed
while eating Ritz crackers
realize that people who keep
talking about sexual liberation
are more frightened than you are
listen to E.Power Biggs work the
organ on your radio while you're
rolling Bull Durham
in the dark
in a strange town
with one day left on the rent
after having given up
friends, relatives and jobs.
never consider yourself superior and
or fair
and never try to be.
have another unhappy love affair
watch a fly on a summer curtain
never try to succeed
don't shoot pool
be righteously angry when you
find your car has a flat tire
take vitamins but don't lift weights or jog

then after all this
reverse the procedure.
have a good love affair
and the thing
you might learn
is that nobody knows anything—
not the State, nor the mice
the garden hose or the North Star
and if you ever catch me
teaching a creative writing class
and you read this back to me
I'll give you a straight A
right up the pickle
barrel.

While I thoroughly enjoy this poem (from "Love is a Dog from Hell," if you're looking for it) and once thought of it as my writer's credo; I realize now, it's a bit dour. I cannot keep up this worldview whilst I attempt to shed all of the lesbian angst & bitterness I have accumulated in my formative gay years. I'm trying really hard these days to not equate homosexuality with exhausting, circular arguments with sexually confused women; with overwrought emotional tendencies fueled by selfish, power-hungry lesbians; and with daggers thrown from one of the only marginalized communities in the world that spends more time hating itself and judging its members than working towards any productive end-goal. So, in order to not contribute to the canon of negativity, I'm turning my frown upside-down.

Through reading some of his work, I've come to see old Charlie for the wicked, self-indulgent misanthrope he insisted on being all the way up until he died of Leukemia at age 73—-that's a long time to stay angry. And while, on occasion, I'm sure he did enjoy a "good love affair," I'm hoping for something a little more substantial in my own future. I believe he's got some fascinating ideas insofar as how to get inspired (to lose your mind); but I find his point of view inconvenient and impractical.

I think this type of work encourages regular people to linger in their occasional misery and miserable people to stay put in hopes that something brilliant will come about because of their misery. However, I think that inspiration found Bukowski in spite of his awful outlook, not because of it. And maybe if he had lightened up, drank a smoothie, and gone for a walk, he might have left us with some more up-beat poems. He could have coined the term "up-beat poet" …okay, maybe that kind of brilliance is specific to my own sensibilities…but I digress. By all accounts, this guy was a complete ass-hole and the most conceited human being ever to walk in shoe-leather. I think this is pretty obvious from his work—the youtube videos of him kicking & cursing out his fiancé quelled any doubts I had about his misunderstood artistic soul. Bitterness, rage, and hate for mankind fueled this great writer to legendary status. But as for the rest of us? Let's try to find a more cheerful way to live life and stay inspired.

"What now then," you may ask, "would you say to inspire that young writer you referenced at the top of this article?"

Well, if she asked again: "How can I get inspired to write?"
I'd probably respond the same way: "Fall in love."
And if she said again: "What if I can't find the right boy to fall in love with?"
I'd probably answer: "Then find the right girl."

Homotivation, it seems to inspire all of my work...