Proud, Seriously.

The whole world has gone mad.

Everyone I know is falling in love, getting married, coming out, sleeping with tranies, and (my personal favorite of the week) “getting serious about being bi.” It must be June.

In the last three days, I know of two homos who got engaged, two who came out, one who discovered an FtM, and about eleven billion who “fell in love”— the parade is still a good 7 days away. Oh, and then there’s the girl who declared that she’s “getting serious about being bi.” What does that even mean? This is not something one should choose to get serious about. I wish to hell I wasn’t so serious about my lesbianism. I wish I weren’t so damn serious about everything.

I have just started to accept that straight people my age are getting married. Fine. Whatever. I guess that’s just what straight people do. There’s a lot of pressure on them, especially if they’ve been dating someone for a while, their parents want grandbabies—I get it. But it seems as though the lesbians are catching on. Thanks to the California Supreme Court, there is now a mad dash for the altar as girls who seemingly had their sanity mere moments ago are exchanging jewelry and making sweeping declarations about the rest of their lives. The idea that I’m supposed to make a decision that will last until my dying breath at the age of twenty-four is ABSOLUTELY INSANE to me. But then, as one of these women pointed out to me today: “(I’m) not in love.” Had I been thinking on my toes, I would have responded, “No, I’m not; but when I was, I can say with certainty, I was not thinking clearly. The time to be making life-choices probably shouldn’t coincide with a time in which your brain is paralyzed by a flood of endorphins responding to overwhelming emotional stimuli.” More importantly, I would like to say that these kinds of decisions should not be made in New York City, during the month of June, when your brain is paralyzed by a flood of endorphins responding to the overwhelming visual stimuli—fabulous gays, great girl parties, drink specials, and beautiful women EVERYWHERE.

After being walloped with the news of the engagements, I was informed that a former lesbian is now distraught with the task of redefining herself due to her newfound lover, a transgendered individual whom we’ll call “Travis.” Why? I ask. Why on earth would anyone change her definition of herself based on a relationship? Is “si” (that’s the pronoun s/he prefers) really worth re-outing/inning oneself to ones friends and family? Am I, as a friend, supposed to remember that, for the three weeks she’ll be involved with “Travis,” she is no longer a lesbian? Is this an excuse to skip the dyke march? Is my friend “straight” now? What the hell do straight people even do next weekend? Do they stay home? Evacuate to the Upper East Side? Aren’t they supposed to queer off and get more attention than the 365 homos?

The same way there are “Christmas Catholics,” there are most definitely “Pride Fags,” or as I like to call them “June Bugs”—mostly because they’re the ones spreading the crabs (not really, but that’s a rumor I will fully support the spreading of…I only support the spread of rumors…and jam…I will not partake in the spreading of anything else…except maybe legs in some contexts…alright we took a turn there, not sure what happened, mind-gutter, what was I ranting about? Oh right, June Queers…)

National Coming Out Day is October 11th. The day was founded by Dr. Robert Eichberg and Jean O'Leary in 1988, in celebration of the Second National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights, in which 500,000 people marched on Washington for G&L equality.
Here are several good reasons not to come out in June:
1. It’s hot, people are cranky when it’s hot and generally less tolerant.
2. If it goes badly, you’ll always associate this glorious month of parties and fun with the time you’re mother told you that you’re father is an ass-hole and that not all men are like that and you should really give them a chance because penis is great, except your father’s, his is so broken even Viagra can’t fix it, in fact, maybe he’s a homosexual, Goddamn you people and your commitment to making me miserable!!! --Just sayin…it may not go how you think it’s gonna.
3. People will think you’re trying to be trendy. Being gay is really sexy in June. If you want people to take you seriously, wait until October, when we gays are covered in layers and not exhibiting our hotness all over the cover of the Village Voice. Declaring yourself a homosexual in the month of June is like telling people about your new fitness regime on New Years Day, or that you like the idea of composting on Earth Day, or that you’re going to an AA meeting on March 18th. Wait ‘til October, your words will hold more weight.

Similarly, telling people you’re in love around this time of year sounds about as legit as it did three girlfriends ago on Valentine’s Day. Hang onto your love another month or two. When the crazy heat-waves of August start to melt down your brain cells and your patience, your “love” may evaporate. In order to retain some credibility, you might wanna refrain from singing it out to the world this week.

I would like to dedicate this blog to the individual who wants to “get serious about being bi.” There are way too many of us who are way too serious about our sexual orientation and its social implications. Lighten up toots, bang some chicks this weekend and wear a rainbow flag. But for the love of God, don’t ever get this serious about it.

Seriously.