The Name Game Chemistry Lesson

In the modern world of secret lesbian hook-ups, phraseology is often a precarious situation—how does one go about defining the actions (I dare not use the word “relationships”) resulting from chemistry between two women? Different titles mean different things to different people (Obviously). What does it mean to be “dating,” “with,” or (God forbid) “girlfriends” with someone? What are the distinctions? If what you are doing has become a point of interest to those in the outside world, what you call yourselves can dictate others behavior (assuming they subscribe to some school of ethics—you never want to hit on someone’s “Girlfriend” for instance).

Through years of riding the bench, experimenting, and being out on the turf, I have comprised a handy-dandy field guide to help me navigate each play and understand the players (and subsequently their reactions when mixed)—pardon my mixed/mashed metaphor. So-and-so and I are “hanging out,” “seeing each other,” or “just friends.” These things may sound similar to the novice, but those pros in the know understand the distinction. Odds are, if you are two, single lesbians spending time in close proximity, all of these phrases become loaded with meaning. As the old joke goes: What do you call two lesbians alone in a room? Suspicious. Let’s clear up these suspicions and slap some good ‘ol fashioned labels on these unruly girls! Labels make everything better! Here are a few, in no particular order:

Dating: Consuming food or beverage with a given party with the intent of getting to know her better, in hopes that, at some point, you will see her naked. (Everyone does this, whether they know it or not. You may have gone on a date tonight completely unaware—this label, unlike others, does not necessarily imply mutual consent.)

To be With Someone: The state of habitually consuming food or beverage with a girl whom you often see naked, go to movies with, visit her apartment and she yours, and know family members names (but you probably have not met them—unless, by some unfortunate circumstance, you ran into her with family in tow and were subjected to an awkward meeting). In this state, you’re not “dating” anyone else, and certainly not spending naked time with anyone else, but you maintain your bachelor’s eye and probably still flirt a lot. Maybe you even get a phone number now and again, but you never call that person; after all, you’re “with” someone.

Hanging Out: In some cases, this precedes “dating.” Usually, “Hanging Out” is done with someone you know, but not well. You’re not familiar with the characters in her life and you probably don’t know much about her job. All you know is that you thoroughly enjoy her company. “Hanging Out” is time spent going to movies, getting coffee, perhaps playing games and such in order to acquire more information about this person, test the waters for levels of chemistry, and see if she is a candidate for “Dating.” This is a crucial point because if you both realize there is no chemistry, HO can lead to a beautiful friendship. If you both realize there is some attraction, HO can lead to a beautiful relationship. But, horror of horrors, if the scales are unbalanced, this can lead to a toxic dynamic wherein one person wants friendship and the other wants more. (A girl I was “Dating” once told me that she had a HO turn toxic; resulting in an all out chase/wrestling-match wherein the other party tried to physically convince her they were meant to be Girlfriends—ZOIKS!). Before you get to this point, hang out only in public places—there are lots of crazies out there. I’ve got three HO’s planned for this week. There are no numeric restrictions on this stage. There is also no touching.

Seeing Each Other: Usually, this means spending naked time with someone you’re not particularly fond of—when you say “She & I are seeing each other,” your friends usually respond with “What does that even mean?”—at which point you probably shrug and change the subject.

Fooling Around: Being the overly serious lesbian that I am, I hate this title. When someone tells me that she and so-and-so are “Fooling around,” I picture my grandparents snapping towels and chasing one another around the bedroom in 1953…but maybe that’s just me. “Fooling around” either sounds dirty (like something you’re not supposed to be doing), antiquated (eg: Grandparents), or like the callous answer of someone who’s afraid to acknowledge that her actions have weight. There’s a reason you’re parents always said “Stop fooling around!”—it’s because someone usually gets hurt.

Girlfriends: I have never had an official “Girlfriend,” to my knowledge. This is for several reasons (probably beginning with the obsessive label system I have contrived in order to over-analyze and over-think each and every interaction I have with another lesbian…) But it could also be because this title implies several things:
1. Both parties are admittedly the “Girlfriend” of the other party—even if only to each other (in the case of those closeted). If one party is calling the other her “Girlfriend,” but the other denies this is so, the label is null and void.
2. Neither party is “seeing” anyone else—except in the case of “open relationships” (which, I believe, is code for two cheaters who know about each other’s unfaithful habits or one has enough suspicion to grant the other open status, hoping this will make her look cool enough to remain faithful to—those who request the “open relationship” are commonly known as: Lesbian Terrorists).
3. There is some level of commitment; meaning both parties have, in good faith, agreed to be involved with the other in a romantic capacity until there is reason not to, thus granting just cause for an elaborate, emotional breakup—though, as women, we reserve the right to elaborate, emotional explosions after any of these interactions come to a close.

Just Friends: What’s the matter with people? Why would this mean anything more than “We’re just friends.”?! Well, probably because the last time you and your “friend” got drunk, you secluded yourselves to the corner of a party where you only spoke to each other and then someone probably saw you make out a little. That’s what friends are for?
Also, this phrase can be used to describe someone you formerly “Dated,” “Hung Out with,” or “Saw,” but definitely was not your girlfriend. Once someone has been your girlfriend, the only thing they will ever be is the EX.

EX: Oy. If this title is used to describe anyone in close proximity, the definitions are endless. Unless she is only being referenced in the past tense, in a faded photo album, or mentioned by an insensitive third party; odds are, this is a loaded label. I have been known to take liberties with the EX title, using it as an all-encompassing phrase to classify anyone whom I formerly dated, saw, hung out with, fooled around with, and so on. This title can also be used (with a qualifier) to describe someone whom you formerly had a genuine friendship with. The implication is that this person once meant something to you and then behaved quite badly, causing you some hurt or pain, resulting in this well-earned title. Use with caution, people hate to be referred to as an EX-anything.

We spoke briefly about “chemistry” earlier. Think of these definitions as your Periodic Table of Lesbians. And I’ll warn you, unless you’re looking to fail this class, or lose this game, don’t mix explosive personalities. Keep EX’s of all kinds away from one another. Never invite someone you are seeing to a party where you will run into girls you are hanging out with, and (whatever you do) don’t fool around with anyone who is worthy enough to be your friend.