Leftovers Part II

Last week I was left wondering what I needed to learn from my last relationship, recently renewed. When problems or persons repeatedly reenter my life, I force myself to stop and listen to the gods, try and figure out what they’re telling me (that I am clearly not hearing the first time(s) around). I’ll share with you the epiphany I came across this week because I think it’s applicable to many a people-pleaser:

Historically, I have based my feelings for someone on their feelings for me. If you like me, then I like you. Simple.

Historically, when I have been unsure of another’s feelings for me, I click into my default setting: EPIC LOVE. If I’m unclear about your feelings for me, I’m going to fall hopelessly in love with you. Hopeless. Useless. But still, simple.

Historically, I have been incapable of standing on my own two feet. Whether it be a super-best friend, a posse of peeps, or an organization I identified with, I always felt more comfortable being “Me and So-and-so” or “Me and the gang” or “Catholic Me/Gay Me/East Village Me...” and many times, of course there was “Johnny (Walker) and Me.” This way, my actions were absorbed by one or more parties, associations, substances, or locations. We did it, so the outcome is not entirely my fault. Easy. Simple. Stupid.

Now, call it isolationism, call it growing up, or even blame sobriety, but I’m tired of having my name permanently attached to something/one else. I want all the credit for my successes and I want all of the responsibility for my debacles. My most recent re-entanglement with my ex was amplified by my sobriety. Whiskey and I did not make the decision together; I did it, all by myself. This was shocking information to me. I did not realize that a sober me would allow her back into my life. Interesting. But here’s the most beautiful part: In a relationship with one’s ex, there is no need for coddling. I’m not in the business of making Ex happy any more. Her feelings are none of my business. My feelings are none of her business. So, because we’re not sharing this information, because we’re not obsessed with these feelings, we’re back in business.

I’m going to make some bold, declarative statements now.

1. People have to earn the right to know your feelings. Unless they prove themselves worthy, it is your right to keep that power within you.

2. Your feelings should not be co-dependant on anyone else’s feelings. They should be completely personal and specific to you.

3. You are never obligated to feel anything. You are entitled to your own feelings, whatever they may be and you should never have to apologize for them.

4. EPIC LOVE is not a good default setting. To minimize drama, one should lean more towards amicable indifference, when the terms of the relationship are so unclear. This will save a lot of emotional energy for certain.

5. The “Simple” way of thinking creates a lot of complications.

6. Numbered, bold, declarative statements are the answer to everything important!

So, in sum:

Now, I don’t even consider how someone feels about me before I assess how I feel about her. If I like her, I’ll like her until I’m done. If I don’t, no amount of her liking me is going to change that.

Now, I’m readjusting my default setting. I don’t think it’ll ever be “amicable indifference,” but I’m thinking “friendship” is a decent compromise.

Now, I kind of like being alone. The older I get, the less energy I have to be so closely entwined with other people or groups, and I really like the activities that fill my time instead.

Thank you gods of recycling. Thanks for the message. Lesson learned. Leftovers dissolved. Bring on the fresh meat. –Sorry folks, couldn’t help it.