The Toast Grunt or the Bell Drop

Wikipedia defines a Safeword as: "a codeword or series of codewords that are sometimes used in BDSM to mean that a submissive (or 'bottom') is reaching a physical, emotional or moral boundary or for the dominant (or 'top') to stop the sceneplay. Safewords are agreed upon before playing a scene by all participants. In other circumstances the safeword may not be a "word" at all, which is very useful when the submissive is bound and gagged. In these instances a signal such as dropping a bell, the snapping of fingers, or making three clear and rhythmic grunts or some other specific vigorous movement works as a pre-defined signal to stop or otherwise slow down the scene."

The safeword should have no sexual connotations; it should seem out of place and thus jar the aggressor out of her sexual frenzy and cause her to reassess the situation and perhaps ease-up. Oprah once suggested "toast" as an appropriate term. This one only works if your BDSM role-play does not include the Suzy-Homemaker fantasy of breakfast in bed with a right-fine spanking for dessert.

Poor choices for a safety word: "Yes," "God," "Fuck," or any other involuntary interjection one might accidentally utter in the throws of ecstasy.

Words that have failed me, resulting in flesh-wounds and emotional scars: "Gentle," "Hey," and "Ow." These, apparently, can be tuned out by the enthusiastic and are sometimes perceived as encouragement to the yes-means-no types.

Food products make great safe-words, obscure pop-culture references such as "Joey Lawrence," "Leah Remini," or "Chris Tucker" can also shake your partner awake. Having a penchant for witty women, the safe-words I have heard tend to induce fits of laughter, thus calming any aggression that proves un-palatable or un-pleasurable.

My personal favorite safeword: "Safety Word." Obvious. Hilarious.

I recently read (in every women's magazine on the newsstand) that one's erotic life should extend far outside the walls of one's bedroom. One should walk in a sexy way, talk sexy, eat sexy, and ultimately act sexy in order for you and your partner to fully experience a fun, functional, and freeing fantasy life. This is the only way.

To this notion I say: Bullshit.

I absolutely cannot condone parading around like some wrecked, oversexed, rode-hard and put up wet, saddle-worn slut at all hours of all days. I can't stand to be around people who act like they're in a porno at the coffee shop. The girls who turn a trip to the mailbox into foreplay are exhausting. These people should be slugged, drugged, and caged…together. Let them work out these sexual dysfunctions with each other. Don't embarrass me at Duane Reade--there's nothing hot about being pawed by the panty-liners.

There is, however, one element of bedroom behavior that I do find applicable to the every day, and that is (you guessed it): The Safe Word.

A few words about me: I am extremely sensitive, probably overly emotional, and occasionally excessively dramatic. Also, I have been accused, on more than one occasion, of being "too nice." I write notes, open doors, offer to help, and listen intently when someone is in distress. There are times when I can feel myself caring too much and despite all of my will power, I am caught up in a frenzy of kindness and nothing can seem to shake me. Here, perhaps, a safe word would come in handy.

To the next woman I date, I will institute the social safety word, and when I've texted too often, picked up too many checks, or gone out of my way to express concern one too many times, perhaps she can give me a non-verbal cue to stop this maddening behavior. On the next first date I go on, my first words will be: "Listen, when I start to smother you emotionally, because inevitably I will, I'm going to need you to shout 'TOAST,' grunt three times, or maybe, if it's easier, you could just drop a bell."